Becoming a mother was such an adventure for me. I never envisioned myself being a single parent at the age of twenty one, I also never knew the amount of insecurity and misguided trust issues a young girl can acquire. All my expectations of becoming a mother were thrown aside when I saw those little pink lines.
I think a lot of little girls grow up having aspirations to become doctors, scientists, models or hairstylists. I always knew from an early age I just wanted to be a mother. It helped that I had a wonderful example to show me the ropes. My mother taught me so many useful things I’d end up implementing in my own parenting journey.
What I didn’t anticipate was mothering without her.
My mother passed suddenly in 2016 and as quickly as it happened was the same pace I had to figure out my next steps in life without her. I depended on my mother for not only love, advice, and companionship but she was quite literally was my life-line. She watched my child while I grew my finances and made a life for myself and my daughter.
So once she was gone, it was just the two of us again. This little baby had so much wonder while I had so much grief. The first two years after my mother’s passing, I was on auto pilot. Looking back to that time period, I only have a handful of memories that aren’t associated with a photo. However, I accomplished a lot. I gained a fiancé and another child. Thankfully the wisdom my mother instilled in me is enough to last a lifetime.
Grief is a journey much like motherhood. There are highs and lows, unexpected obstacles, stages and changes you’d never expect. I find myself at least once a day thinking of things I wish I could ask my mother, but then I see her in my parenting. I hear her in my tone when the kids get too loud. I hear her in the melody when I sing them lullabies, I even feel her in my dance moves when we have the breakfast time wiggles.
Parenting without a parent was not something I was prepared for, but nurturing my children is something I was taught to do from the best example I could have had ever asked for.
Loss and love go hand and hand if you let them.
As much as I miss my mother and crave her presence back in my life, the love she showed me is everlasting. I’m a firm believer that life should be celebrated, setting down the screens and actively living life with my children.
Losing my mother so soon gave me a different outlook on life. I’m grateful for the life in front of me, I don’t want to miss a thing.
If you happen to be in my shoes one day and feel loss of any measure, I implore you to think back to your fondest memories with that person and let those memories engulf you. This time of year can be so hard when you’re missing a piece of your heart. But you are not alone. It’s a crappy club to be a part of, I’ll be honest, but it’s a club none the less.