Raccoons
Or trash pandas as my husband calls them. Small children can often be found wandering around rummaging in freshly folded laundry baskets, finding lint on the floor, hiding in corners eating snacks they snuck and hissing when confronted. Back away slowly and leave them to that day-old pancake.
Snails
I would rather wake up two hours early than be in a hurry since children are guaranteed to move at a glacial pace. Trying to remember keys, wallet, diapers, wipes, and phone while wading through a sea of discarded toys and Hansel and Gretel crumbs only to get in the car and find that you’re still in your houseshoes? PASS.
Foxes
Recently, my friend sent me a video of their toddler throwing a fit to which I responded that children are so, “feral.” Their response? “It’s like trying to catch and cage a feral fox. You’re a little bit terrified by the wild look in its eyes…is it gonna bite me?” And if you’ve never been bitten, scratched, or hit by a toddler throwing a tantrum then count yourself among the few who can still #LiveLaughLove.
Geese
Have you ever slipped in goose feces? Me either, but I imagine it’s akin to changing a newly rolling baby’s diaper. You wipe left and they twist right and now you’re covered in $#!+. Much like being at Hafer Park as soon as you’re away from the pond, you think you’re safe, but no, there’s goose poop everywhere. And that’s the transition from diapers to potty training. HONK.
Dolphins
Children can be chatty, social, and incredibly intelligent. It’s honestly so fun to watch our kids learn everything from waving hi to learning a new language. If you’ve ever heard your kiddo repeat something they learned from a new friend at school then you know sometimes we have to explain that there are words we shouldn’t say because they aren’t nice. Let it humble you to the floor when they say, “But sometimes you say what the f**k,” because you yelled it ONCE after hitting a curb and now you’ve got to bribe them with Bluey and ice cream because you’re on your way to dinner with your in-laws.
May there be a hedge of protection around you while you parent your tiny zoo.
